Musings With Lincoln, Part II

Continued from Part I.

I took a deep breath as I stared across my bed at our sixteenth President of the United States as he sat in my room’s armchair.  I was about to share some deep feelings, even if it was just to good ol’ Honest Abe.

“I’m scared that they’re going to go away,” I said finally.  “She’s got such strong feelings.  And I just sometimes get really scared that one day she’ll wake up and won’t feel that way any longer.  That it will all vanish as fast as it came on.”

I was still half expecting Lincoln to make some sarcastic remark, but the man just nodded solemnly.  “It’s understandable,” he agreed.

Another breath was in my lungs, but I didn’t have anything more to say.  That statement had pretty much summed it up.  “So what should I do?” I finally asked.  “Advise me, o leader!”

Lincoln, unfortunately, just looked back at me.  “I’m afraid that I can’t offer you any advice here,” he eventually commented.  “I don’t know any more than you do.”

I glared at the man.  “Fat lot of good you are,” I told him.

At this, Lincoln shrugged, back to his usual sarcastic, snotty self.  “That’s like punching yourself in the face,” he pointed out.  It was even more annoying because he was right, even if I didn’t want to admit it.  The man leaned forward, pointing one long, bony finger at me.  The digit didn’t quiver an inch.  “You’re going to have to ask yourself one question, though.”

“And what’s that?”

The president’s lips quirked up in a slight grin; he knew that he had my attention, that he had gained control of the conversation.  “Are you worth it?” he asked, the words barely audible.

“Am I worth it?” I repeated, not sure what the question meant.

Lincoln nodded.  “She believes that you’re worthy of those feelings,” he elaborated.  “Is she right?”

My mouth immediately opened to confirm this, but I paused.  “I think that I am,” I spoke slowly.  “But there will always be that little voice in the back of my mind whispering that I’m wrong, that I am not worthy.”

“So use that voice as a warning!” Lincoln seized on the chance to speak.  “Let it be a constant reminder of the work you have to do.  May you constantly stride to prove that voice wrong!”

It wasn’t a perfect answer, but it was an answer, of sorts.  I looked up at Lincoln to thank him, but the apparition was gone.  I was once again alone in my room.

I sat back on the bed, lacing my fingers behind my head as I gazed up at the ceiling.  Lincoln was never kind to me, but he was right.  And he had left me with a new perspective.

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"How would you improve a sport?"

It’s always been a dream of mine to see Battle Ball.

Start with football – two teams trying to get the ball (the “package”) into the end zone.  Keep the teams, the different plays, the armor and padding.  But let’s kick it up a notch.

Instead of just plastic padding, let’s give the players full-on armor.  I’m talking Kevlar and titanium plating.  I want full-on medieval knights plowing into each other.

Next up, we gotta address the fact that most of the players in a team end up just hitting each other and getting into a big scrum in the middle of the play.  Not too interesting.  So instead, I’m thinking that we’ll give them some tools.  The defensive linemen?  Let’s give them some of those full-body riot shields.  That’ll force the opposing team to keep their attention focused.

Imagine trying to get through a defensive line with THOSE!

But what will they even be blocking with those shields?  We need some offense in here!  So let’s give the linebackers some of those six-shot cannons used by riot police.  Don’t worry, they’ll just be loaded with beanbags.  Enough force to put a dent in the armor and knock someone off their feet, but not so powerful as to be lethal.  That would be sweet.

That’ll do some damage.

But this game still needs just a little bit more.  The one thing we haven’t addressed yet?  The field!  There’s all of this room for activities, and it’s currently just covered in grass.  How droll.  So I’m thinking that there ought to be retracting walls that rise up out of the ground, some ramps to jump off of, and maybe even a couple proximity turrets that fire off more of those beanbags.  Strategy then revolves not just around fighting the other team, but also handling the environment!  Each team’s home field could have their own arrangement of defensive countermeasures, to which the visiting team would be forced to adjust.

Teams of gladiators in full-on medieval armor, equipped with riot shields and beanbag cannons, battling up and down a booby-trap strewn field… what’s not to love about Battle Ball?

I would totally watch this.  I’d pay the exorbitant costs that would likely be involved in setting this up.  In fact, I’d want to do everything… except play.

Ask Jackson Galaxy!

Do you recognize this man?  His name is Jackson Galaxy, and he is a part-time musician and full-time Cat Whisperer on the Animal Planet show, My Cat From Hell!  The editorial staff, here at Missing Brains, would love his input on several pressing topics of cat ownership that we have prepared here.

Yes, he IS the Cat Daddy.

  • Dear Cat Whisperer, my cat won’t eat his cheeseburger.  Are there certain toppings that he dislikes?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, my cat insists on creeping into my room and whispering to me at night.  How do I make him stop?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, I met an amazing guy on a date last night.  But when he came back to my house and saw my seven feline roommates, he turned tail and fled.  Should I call him right away or wait the customary day?

  • Cats.  Why?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, my cat insists on bringing me dead animals – birds, mice, etc.  How do I get him to bring me my ex-wife?
  • For removing unwanted cat hair, should I use wax, Nair, or a razor?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, my cat has the cutest little mask on his face like a bandit!  He also has lovely dark rings on his tail.  How do I discourage him from digging through my trash?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, my boyfriend keeps texting me how he wants to “punish my kitty.”  Why does he want to hurt Snuggles?
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, I think I’m not going to wait to call him.  I’m sure he loves me!
  • Dear Cat Whisperer, I’ve heard stories of cats gnawing off people’s faces.  Is there a flavor they especially crave?  Can I get a new, better face afterward?
  • How do I improve my cat’s grammar?
On behalf of the editorial board here at Missing Brains, we look forward to Mr. Galaxy’s responses!

Auto-Interview!

If a biography written about oneself is an autobiography, an interview on one’s self must be an autointerview!  Hooray for applying common logic to grammar and new word formation!

Are you a real writer?
I’m not quite sure how to answer.  I’ve written everything on the site (and more!).  However, I am not yet a published author.  My day will come, I hope!

Oh my god, you’re totally ripping off so-and-so with that story that you wrote!  How could you be so despicable!?
All of my stories are original – I tend to daydream a lot, and random ideas for stories and posts pop into my head.  Sometimes, I may be daydreaming about a book I read, or some real life events, but I try to make everything original!  It is different enough to save me from being sued, and that is the most important thing.

So, you must like zombies, huh?
Not especially, why?

Well, your blog is called Missing Brains.
The name actually came from a conversation, in which I was trying to explain a story idea to my girlfriend.  She told me that it sounded like “part of my brain was missing.”  Hence, I decided I must have lost it, bit by bit, in my writing!  These stories are therefore my “missing brains.”  Clever, huh?

No.  That’s dumb.
I’m sorry you think that.  And when I say I’m sorry, I’m not really sorry at all.  Zing!

Can I please copy one of your stories?
Thank you for asking, but no!  Everything on here is my original work, so I would appreciate it if you didn’t simply take it willy-nilly.  If you want permission, feel free to contact me and we can work something out – I’m happy to share, as long as I am informed!

Do you do guest posts?  Can I do a guest post?
Yes and yes!  I love to write for other sites as well as for my own, and will happily write a guest post for your blog.  I will also happily publish one of your guest posts, as long as it isn’t vulgar, incredibly offensive, disturbingly racist, filled with explicit adult content, or just really poorly written.  If it is poorly written, I will offer you suggestions on how to tweak the post – I’m afraid you are out of luck with the other categories.

Why are all your stories so full of science?  It makes them boring.
I’m sorry to hear that, but I happen to like science!  I actually majored in genetics, so a lot of scientific concepts and futuristic ideas really spark my imagination and fuel my creativity.  I write about what I find interesting, and those out-there science fiction discoveries suggest that there is far more to this universe than what we understand.

I found a mistake in your writing!  You’re flawed!  You’re wrong!  I will never accept your word on anything ever again, and I now look at you as a failed and useless artifact of humanity!
That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?  I will admit, I can at times be a bit of a grammar Nazi.  I prefer proper sentence structure and punctuation, to say the least.  However, I am not an English major (see previous question), and I may occasionally make mistakes.  Point them out and I will fix them.  If you’re nice, maybe I’ll find some way to reward you!

Reward me with money?
Hahahahahaha nope.  As a recent graduate working for a nonprofit, I’m very poor.

Aww, that sounds very sad!  Can I offer you some of my money to make you feel better?
How wonderfully generous of you, good sir or madam, to support a true starving artist!  I actually eat quite well when I don’t burn my food, but I do appreciate any donations.  I’m setting up a donate button, so until that is finished, your visits to my site are reward enough.  Although if you mention my site in glowing terms to your friends, that will also make  me happy!

You smell funny.
Okay, I think this interview is over.