SETTING: The neighborhood barbecue, over by the grill.  The men are gathered around the grills, occasionally poking at the meat, while the women gossip and the children run around, chase each other, and occasionally scream.  It’s a warm, sunny summer day, with the slightest of breezes rustling the leaves on the trees.

“Man, you cannot be serious.  On either count.”

“No, I swear it’s true!  Summoning ritual gone wrong, the whole nine yards.  It’s really the only way for me to explain it.  She’s nothing like how she used to be.”

“No, man, demons don’t exist.  It’s all hogwash.”

“Yeah, what Jerry said.  No such thing.  Bill, did you ever think that maybe she just conked her head or something?”

“Come on, guys!  You think I wouldn’t notice if she had a big bump on her head?  And no, it has to be possession.  I mean, it all started with the book, anyway.”

“Yeah, what about that?  How did this happen in the first place?”

“Well, her Aunt Agatha died a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry to hear that, man.”

“Eh, no big loss.  We didn’t know her well, and the woman was crazy.  Always wore black, stayed locked away in her old Victorian house, one of those shut-ins.  But we went up to pack up her stuff, and we found the book.”

“The book that possessed her.”

“No, Keith, I don’t think the book possessed her.  But the book had the spell that summoned the demon that possessed her.”

“Wait, man.  So who said the spell?”

“Jerry, I was just getting to that!  Anyway, since you asked, I think my daughter did it.  Sarah gave the book to her, since she’s getting into that whole “goth” nonsense, and next thing we knew, there was a pentagram in blood on our kitchen floor.”

“Her blood?”

“Nah, I think she grabbed one of the venison steaks from the freezer and dragged it around.”

“Oh.  Hey, those were delicious, by the way.  Thanks for sharing them.”

“My pleasure, we had more than we’d ever eat.  But so Sarah’s the first one into the kitchen when we hear all the chanting, and she just freezes.  And I swear that I saw a cloud of smoke go shooting into her mouth.”

“Not a smoker, is she?”

“Nope.”

“Huh.  Man, that’s crazy.”

“So what, do we need to exercise her or something?”

“Dude, I think you mean exorcise.”

“Yeah, whatever.  How do we get the demon out?”

“Well, wait a minute!  See, at first I was thinking the same thing.  But now, I’m actually kind of not minding Sarah being possessed.”

“Wait, what?  But there’s a demon in her, you’re saying!”

“Yeah… but the demon is trying really hard to pass itself off as a human!”

“What’s that mean?”

“Well, she’s doing the dishes, cleaning the house, buying groceries, taking care of all the chores – and trust me, she’s like an animal in the bedroom now!”

“Dude.”

“Hey!  It had been a while for us!  Sometimes a guy is just happy to be getting some, even if the woman might have a tiny little demon in her!”

“Well, maybe.”

“So Bill, what are you going to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I’ll take her to church on Sunday, maybe.  If she doesn’t start smoking in the service, well, maybe it’s for the best, you know?”

“S’pose so.  Crazy in the bedroom, you said?”

“Oh yeah.  I’ve got scratches all up and down my back.  And I think she’s even more eager than I am!  Makes me feel like a teenager again!”

“Well, damn.  Think your daughter could bring that book over to my place?”

So listen, I’m really kind of hesitant about this whole dating thing, okay?  I’ve had some bad experiences in the past.

No, I don’t really want to talk about them.

You really wanna know?  Trust me, you won’t like it.

Fine.  But just remember, you were the one who asked.  I wanted to just have a nice night out, grab a couple drinks, go dancing, maybe make out a little before I drop you off at home, but you wanted to learn more about me.

So, uh, I guess I’ll just come out and say it straight.  All of my exes are dead.

Hey, don’t give me that wide-eyed look!  You asked!  And it’s not like any of them were my fault.  In fact, I warned them all.

Listen, I promise I’m not a serial killer, okay?  I just have really, really bad luck.

Here, take Lucy, for example.  She was this great girl.  Sweet, red hair, freckles, always smelled like lavender, tits like you wouldn’t – er, I mean, a nice figure.  Anyway.

We went out for a few weeks, and I really liked her.  Also, I liked that her house was only a couple blocks from my gym.  Instead of showering in that stinky locker room, I could duck into Lucy’s shower and clean off.

But when I was there, I noticed that she had, like, 3 different things all plugged in and balanced on the edge of the tub!  There was a hair dryer, one of those hair iron things, and a radio.  All just balanced there, asking for an accident!  One slip, and we’re talking electrocution city.

So yeah, you can probably guess how that relationship ended.

Exactly!  Totally not my fault.  Now, how about that dance…

…oh, the others?  I guess I did say multiple, yeah.  Well, Carol really should have gotten her brakes fixed.  I told her at least three times that other people didn’t have to repeatedly pump the pedals to stop their car.  And you always yield to a train.

More?  Um, Allie was a thrill seeker.  And I had a great time going rock climbing and go-kart racing, but those are all on the ground, you know?  Skydiving’s a different story.  I guess I learned a lesson from it, though.  Groupon is not the place to look for discount skydiving tickets.

And you don’t have to worry about going like Stacey – you’re not nearly as loud as that girl was.  She could talk your ear off.  Hell, both ears, even.  So even though the avalanche was attributed to the “fresh snow caving off,” I’m guessing that it was an especially loud “Oh my gawd!” that brought it on.

See?  Totally not my fault.

What?

My most recent?  That would be Claire, and she’s totally fine!  Promise!

You don’t believe me?  Here, I’ll prove it and call her.  We broke up on good terms, she’ll totally be fine to tell you that I’m a nice enough dude.

Just wait, it’s ringing.

Hi, Claire?  Oh, Mrs. Lensen, hi.  I was hoping to talk to your daughter-

-uh huh, okay-

-oh.  I’m so sorry.  I hadn’t heard.  Well, uh, my condolences.  Okay.  Bye.

Er.

Bad example.

That meteor strike could have hit anyone, really.

Hey, wait!  Where are you going?