So listen, I’m really kind of hesitant about this whole dating thing, okay? I’ve had some bad experiences in the past.
No, I don’t really want to talk about them.
You really wanna know? Trust me, you won’t like it.
Fine. But just remember, you were the one who asked. I wanted to just have a nice night out, grab a couple drinks, go dancing, maybe make out a little before I drop you off at home, but you wanted to learn more about me.
So, uh, I guess I’ll just come out and say it straight. All of my exes are dead.
Hey, don’t give me that wide-eyed look! You asked! And it’s not like any of them were my fault. In fact, I warned them all.
Listen, I promise I’m not a serial killer, okay? I just have really, really bad luck.
Here, take Lucy, for example. She was this great girl. Sweet, red hair, freckles, always smelled like lavender, tits like you wouldn’t – er, I mean, a nice figure. Anyway.
We went out for a few weeks, and I really liked her. Also, I liked that her house was only a couple blocks from my gym. Instead of showering in that stinky locker room, I could duck into Lucy’s shower and clean off.
But when I was there, I noticed that she had, like, 3 different things all plugged in and balanced on the edge of the tub! There was a hair dryer, one of those hair iron things, and a radio. All just balanced there, asking for an accident! One slip, and we’re talking electrocution city.
So yeah, you can probably guess how that relationship ended.
Exactly! Totally not my fault. Now, how about that dance…
…oh, the others? I guess I did say multiple, yeah. Well, Carol really should have gotten her brakes fixed. I told her at least three times that other people didn’t have to repeatedly pump the pedals to stop their car. And you always yield to a train.
More? Um, Allie was a thrill seeker. And I had a great time going rock climbing and go-kart racing, but those are all on the ground, you know? Skydiving’s a different story. I guess I learned a lesson from it, though. Groupon is not the place to look for discount skydiving tickets.
And you don’t have to worry about going like Stacey – you’re not nearly as loud as that girl was. She could talk your ear off. Hell, both ears, even. So even though the avalanche was attributed to the “fresh snow caving off,” I’m guessing that it was an especially loud “Oh my gawd!” that brought it on.
See? Totally not my fault.
My most recent? That would be Claire, and she’s totally fine! Promise!
You don’t believe me? Here, I’ll prove it and call her. We broke up on good terms, she’ll totally be fine to tell you that I’m a nice enough dude.
Just wait, it’s ringing.
Hi, Claire? Oh, Mrs. Lensen, hi. I was hoping to talk to your daughter-
-uh huh, okay-
-oh. I’m so sorry. I hadn’t heard. Well, uh, my condolences. Okay. Bye.
That meteor strike could have hit anyone, really.
Hey, wait! Where are you going?