Comedy

High School Reunions in Zombieland

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“Hey, Tallahassee, pull over for a minute!”

Next to me, the big man behind the wheel grunted, not looking over at me. “What?” he asked sourly, not taking his foot off of the accelerator.

“Seriously, come on. See that building?” I pointed out through the windshield, still grimy from an old splatter of blood that I hadn’t managed to fully scrape off at our last gas station. “Head over to that.”

For a minute, I thought that Tallahassee wouldn’t bother, that he’d just keep driving. After all, we’d set our destination as Dayton (“That big race track has just GOTTA have Twinkies!”, he’d exclaimed), and we had a few more hours of driving to go. The sun was already starting to sink towards the horizon.

Rule #9: Avoid driving after dark. Zombies don’t look both ways. Continue reading →

[AGttA] Chapter 7.3: The Warren of Hell

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Continued from Chapter 7.2, here.

Read it from the beginning, starting here.

Axiom 7: Remain positive.

Once Vinrael had agreed to help us, he didn’t spend any more time sitting around his office.  As soon as he shook each of our hands (“Devil’s handshake,” he said with a grin to us that made me feel like he was about to take a bite), he immediately headed for the door. 

“Well, are you lot coming?” he asked over his shoulder, as we all turned to him.  “We can’t hang around here!  Do you know what sort of trouble I’d be facing if someone finds out that I’m consorting with mortals?  Or worse, him?”

“I feel quite the same way,” Eremiel replied stiffly, looking back with distaste at the finger the devil pointed towards him.  “The sooner this ends, the better.”

Clearly, neither of our allies felt quite comfortable with each other.  Alice and I shared a look of commingled frustration, and then nodded.   Continue reading →

God Discovers the Platypus.

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Almost no one thinks about the knees of an angel.

No one really sees them, under the toga. Nobody ever stops to consider whether angels have knobbly knees, the kind of knees usually seen on scrawny fourteen-year-old boys who’ve only just barely managed to survive their first real dose of hormones. Of all the exalted, perfect qualities of angels, knees are fairly low on the list.

Quiniel looked down and frowned at his knees as they knocked together nervously. Like everyone else, he’d never stopped to consider his knees until now, and he found himself thoroughly annoyed with them, especially as they bounced together and added another level of anxiety to his already-flustered state. Continue reading →

The World Below, or, On the Stupidity of Fish

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Even when all things are considered, fish are fairly stupid creatures.

Admittedly, there’s no real reason for them to be smart. The buoyancy of water means that they can build up much more muscle and fat mass, and although they need some complex three-dimensional trigonometric calculations for determining optimal paths through an environment where height is more than just the “the empty space above my head”, there’s not a lot of real intelligence in a fish.

Perhaps, at some point in history, a short-lived branch off of the evolutionary tree showed some signs of real intellect. Maybe, at one or more times, a fish blinked, looked around at its fellows swimming through the water all around him, and thought to himself, “Hey, I wonder who created this maze where we all hang out!”

That fish was probably the first to be eaten by a dolphin, because instead of swimming away like his fellows, he stopped and tried to negotiate with the dolphin. Continue reading →

The General’s Request

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The whole thing happened, when we get down to it, because of a vanilla frappuccino.

Why the general requested a vanilla frappuccino, no one knows. Maybe he felt especially parched that day, as he stood in the dusty, hot command tent and shouted orders at his inferiors. Maybe a couple neurons got crossed in his brain, and he had a momentary flashback to a conversation with his teenage daughter, who was going through that particularly disagreeable phase in her life when she felt as if she ought to be completely independent, despite still needing her parents to provide her with everything.

In any case, when the unfortunate lieutenant who pulled that week’s “drinks bitch” duty sidled up to the general and asked if he’d like something to drink, the general spun to glare at him from beneath stormy, overgrown eyebrows, a pair of gray caterpillars writhing across his face.

“Vanilla frappuccino!” he snapped at the hapless lieutenant. “And make sure it’s cold!” Continue reading →

Pestilence’s Retirement

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“Are you sure that we can’t convince you to reconsider?”

On the other side of the cracked laminate table, Pestilence shook his head. “Afraid not,” he repeated. “Look, you’ve all seen the writing on the wall for a while. I’m just not useful any longer.”

Pestilence’s three companions all shuffled their feet, or lower appendages, rather uncomfortably. That silence was enough to confirm Pestilence’s suspicions, although he held his tongue out of respect for their shared history.

“It just won’t be the same without you, buddy,” grunted the very large man wedged into the booth on the other side, shaking his massive head sadly. “We’ve had a hell of a run together.” Continue reading →

A Narrator Takes Control

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Captain Jack Gallant dashed across the war-torn and scarred battlefield, keeping his head low to avoid any stray blaster bolts. His coat flapped behind him as he ran, the active camouflage patterns shifting in an attempt to keep up with his changing surroundings.

He gritted his teeth as he skidded to a stop behind a boulder. He counted at least four Xorg walkers, and they knew that he’d made it out of the flaming wreckage of his own ship. He was alone, outnumbered, and without any way to contact his own soldiers.

Not that it would do him much use, he thought blackly to himself. They didn’t have the manpower to spare for a rescue. Continue reading →

Dark Matter Cretins

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The coffee cup felt reassuringly heavy in his hand.  Captain Xavier Holland turned it over in his hand for a moment, admiring its simplistic lines.

Sitting forward, he wound back – and heaved the cup as hard as he could.

A direct hit.  The cup clattered against Ensign Bran’s shoulder, making the man jerk and yelp.  “What the hell?” he burst out, spinning around to stare with injured eyes at his captain.
Continue reading →

Side Effects May Include Superpowers

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The CEO struggled to suppress his yawn as he listened to his Chief Financial Officer drone on.  Sure, the man was a wizard at making numbers jump through hoops – and vanish, when they weren’t exactly necessary to keep around – but good God, his presentation skills were terrible.

The CEO surreptitiously glanced down at his watch, a $45,000 Piaget for which he’d spent six months on a waiting list.  Either he paid all that money for a knockoff, or else the Financial Officer was literally making time itself slow down out of sheer boredom.

“Okay, well, it sounds like that’s going well,” he spoke up, slapping his hand on the conference table and cutting off the Financial Officer mid-sentence.  “Let’s hear from someone else, shall we?”
Continue reading →

My latest novel is LIVE and for sale – for just 99 cents!

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