Captain Jack Gallant dashed across the war-torn and scarred battlefield, keeping his head low to avoid any stray blaster bolts. His coat flapped behind him as he ran, the active camouflage patterns shifting in an attempt to keep up with his changing surroundings.
He gritted his teeth as he skidded to a stop behind a boulder. He counted at least four Xorg walkers, and they knew that he’d made it out of the flaming wreckage of his own ship. He was alone, outnumbered, and without any way to contact his own soldiers.
Not that it would do him much use, he thought blackly to himself. They didn’t have the manpower to spare for a rescue.
Reaching under his coat, he pulled his ion pistol free of its holster. Counting the extra batteries he always kept in his pockets, he figured that he could maybe bring down two, possibly three of the Xorg walkers.
He took a deep breath, gathering air into his lungs. He would only get one shot at this; he’d need to stay in constant motion. A battle cry springing to his lips, he leapt up from behind the boulder-
-and a high-energy laser burst caught him directly in the chest, reducing most of his internal organs to charcoal.
Captain Jack Gallant died instantly, toppling down to the ground.
Yep, he’s still dead.
Dead guy, over here. Just lying there on the ground. Not really doing anything. Not much for me to narrate, here.
I just said me.
Oh crap, I did it again. Balls! This isn’t good – I’m breaking the cardinal rule of narration! They always told me (blast, did it again!) that this would implode the whole story, ruin the whole universe.
Any second now. Universe about to explode. Or implode, I can never remember which way is which. One of them goes into a small thing, I remember. The other one goes out in a big boom.
Universe still hasn’t whatever-ploded. Well, with the time left, let’s have some fun!
The body of Captain Jack Gallant suddenly stirred, moved by no breeze- no, wait, I never liked Captain Jack. His inner thoughts were always far too smug.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Will the cabin boy appeared! He, of course, looked totally confused, as would anyone who just appeared out of thin air after dying only two hours previously in a tragic spaceship crash.
Will stared down at himself, touching his body, as if he couldn’t believe he was real. “This can’t be happening,” he muttered. “I died – I remember, the fire – thinking that maybe I would see Donna again in Heaven…”
Oh yeah, Donna. The Space Princess that Will fell hopelessly head over heels for, a couple books previously. Hell, let’s summon her up too, shall we?
Will turned as he caught the motion out of the corner of his eye, and moved forward, just in time to catch Donna as she plummeted out of the sky. He grunted as she landed solidly in his arms, but managed to stay on his feet.
Donna’s eyes fluttered gently as she looked up, into Will’s smiling face. “Will?” she asked drowsily, reaching up and draping her own arms around his neck. “Oh, I had such an unpleasant dream. Make it all better,”
“Nothing will separate us again,” Will vowed, bending down to kiss her full, slightly parted lips-
-as another laser burst shredded them both into chunks of bloody tissue.
God dammit! I forgot about the stupid Xorg walkers. Ugh. Shoddy narration, this is. I’d be fired on my first day if this was the kind of game I brought most days.
Screw it. A snap echoed through the air, and all four Xorg walkers exploded, their fusion cores all spontaneously over-firing and going critical at the same time. Shrapnel littered the ground.
But with the destruction of the Xorg came a fine mist, a magical fairy dust- no, even better! The life force of the Xorg empire, soaking into the remains of Will and Donna!
Oh, and Captain Jack, too, I suppose. Ugh. Stupid guy can’t even stay dead.
In a totally logical and not made up at all fashion, the fine mist restored the captain, the Space Princess, and the cabin boy back to their living selves. Grunting, Will pulled himself up to his feet, bending down to help Donna up a moment later. Her gold robes were torn and her hair a mess, but she still looked every inch the noble princess.
“Now, where was I?” Will grinned, as his lips finally met hers.
Captain Jack frowned as he watched his former cabin boy embrace the space princess. “I thought I end up with the girl,” he muttered, scratching at his head.
Will and Donna, however, paid no attention to him. In fact, they threw themselves into their kissing with such fervor that the entire sun could have exploded, and they wouldn’t have noticed. Still in each other’s arms, they sank down to the ground, Will laying down with Donna atop him. His hands slid up the sides of her dress, tracing the fine curves of her body beneath the sheer fabric. His fingers closed on the zipper, tugging it down, inch by gentle inch.
The zipper reluctantly parted, revealing smooth skin as the dress fell away from her. She brushed it off of porcelain bare shoulders, revealing the swell of a perfectly round and formed-
-and the entire universe imploded into a single speck.
Dammit. I was nearly there!
Oh well, nothing to see here. Pack it in, folks. I’ll, uh, just be headed out then.