An Adventurer Writes His Memoirs

Okay. Memoirs. I’m writing my memoirs. I sat down to write them, and now that’s what I’m doing. I’m definitely not procrastinating because I can’t think of anything to say.

After all, it’s not like I’ve led a boring life. I’ve had many adventures! In adventuring circles, my name carries great weight and renown! Heck, just the fact that I’m retired and sitting down to write these memoirs is sign of my success; most adventurers don’t come back and get the chance to write these, usually because they’re stuck in a bear trap or inside a dragon’s stomach or something.

In fact, I stumbled upon some of them, back when I slew the Great Terror Beast of Barseleth, freeing the innocent peasantry from its ravening maw. There wasn’t much left of them but bones and slime.

See, that’s what I should be talking about in these memoirs! Oh, it was a horrid monster, all teeth and eyeballs protruding out, with veins everywhere, waving its claws and snarling quite incomprehensibly-

Oh, wait. My chamberlain is calling me for something.

And I’m back, memoirs! I just had to settle a minor dispute over who owned a chicken. I came up with quite the clever solution, I think – I simply cut the chicken in half and gave part to each claimant! They were speechless at my brilliance.

Yes, now that my adventures are complete, I’ve decided to settle down. I’ve used some of my accumulated wealth to purchase a small little duchy, setting myself up as the local lord. I’ve got a castle, and peasants, and servants, and horses, and everything! I always imagined that life as a minor lord would be very relaxing.

I didn’t anticipate the roosters crowing at the crack of dawn, however. I’m thinking that I may issue an edict to have all the roosters killed. They don’t do anything, really, do they? Just crow and strut around to give the place that provincial air?

I’m probably going to need to rearrange these memoirs. This bit about my retirement ought to go at the end, not at the beginning. After all, hard to get into a story when you know that the hero’s going to make it in the end, eh? Loses some of that suspense!

But where was I? Ah, yes, the Great Terror Beast of Barseleth. I set a trap for it, you see, baiting it into the village by having the peasant children gather in the middle of the town square. I knew that it wouldn’t be able to resist such tender, succulent meat. But then, when it arrived, I threw burning oil-

Oh, hold on. Damn chamberlain is calling me again.

I’m back now. Seemed the peasants needed to ask what crops to plant, ridiculous as that sounds. Told them that I’d had some great cucumber and watercress tea sandwiches back in London, suggested that they go about making those. Their eyes bulged a bit when I asked if they’d be ready by midafternoon, though. Wonder why. Really made them look a little like the Terror Beast offspring.

Oh, yes, it was pregnant! Did I not mention that? Only discover it when we slit the corpse open, all the babies came tumbling out. Quite disgusting, they were. Had to make a clean job of it.

That was just one of my many adventures, of course. I’ve passed through so many lands, seen such great sights. Down in Egypt, big sandy place, they got their slaves to build massive pyramids of stone, making tombs for their dead kings! Just amazing.

I wonder if I can get the peasants here to knock up a big pyramid tomb for me? Shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, those Egyptians built them, and they were basically just wearing loincloths.

I’ll make a note to ask the chamberlain.

Anyway, despite the occasional interruption- oh, speak of the devil, there’s the damn man again. Hold on.

Ugh. Peasants were worried about bandits, wanted to know my plans for dealing with marauders. I told them, of course, that I’d just hire some great adventurers, ones like I’d been in my glory days.

Reassured them, at least. You should have seen how their mouths dropped open, their eyes widening. They were so impressed, they couldn’t even speak!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my time in Egypt. See, we heard there was gold in those tombs, but the Egyptians never mentioned that the pyramids also made their kings get up and wander around, like a chap needing to find the chamber pot at night…

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