The door slid open to reveal two hefty men, both of them clad in identical black outfits and both wearing identical angry scowls. They gaped at me for a moment, and then lunged forward, grabbing for the guns at their belts.
That moment’s pause was their undoing. Relying on my years of training, I slid forward, ducking under the swing of the nearest. I rose up with a powerful uppercut, connecting squarely with his jaw and sending him flying backwards through the air.
I pivoted as soon as the blow landed, opening my hands to grapple with the man’s companion. He’d freed his gun from his holster, but I snagged his wrist, keeping the pistol aimed up into the air.
The gun fired, a sharp retort that echoed through the air, but I twisted at his hand, snapping his wrist and knocking the pistol from his hand. I caught the gun by the barrel with my other hand, swinging the butt up to connect with the man’s temple. He collapsed down bonelessly next to his fallen companion.
Up ahead of me, I could see stairs rising up, entering the main chamber. Up ahead, I knew, the evil Dr. Universe was putting the final touches on his Total Annihilation Ray.
Just another day, I grunted resignedly to myself. Remember, Jeff, once I make it through this trouble, I’ve got a fresh six-pack waiting in the fridge at home for me to arrive.
That thought was all that kept me moving forward. I sighed, shook out the tension in my shoulders, and then bounded forward, the pistol held in a two-handed grip and pointing ahead of me.
Sure enough, as I climbed up the stairs, I found myself standing inside the massive, domed interior chamber of the old observatory. There, in the middle, the huge and twisted shape of the Total Annihilation Ray rose up, pointing out towards the closed observatory doors.
And there was Dr. Universe, fiddling with the massive control panel in front of the Ray. He glanced up at the sound of my approaching footsteps, giving a cackle as his eyebrows rose up above his reflective goggles.
“Ah, Jeff the Secret Agent!” he hissed at me. “Here to stop me, I see – but you’re too late! The Earth will soon cower before-“
I groaned. Not the world domination speech again! I hefted the gun in my hand and put two shots into the console beside Dr. Universe. A shower of sparks erupted out from where the bullets hit, scattering and dancing across the metal observatory floor.
“Come on, Universe,” I called out. “Haven’t we been through this enough times already? Just give up, and I’ll haul you back off to jail. We don’t have to go through-“
“Too late, Agent!” the man screamed dementedly back at me. “Even if you stop me, I’ve already activated the Annihilation Ray’s automatic countdown! You can’t shut it off-“
Ugh. I stepped forward, past the insane scientist, over to the base of the Total Annihilation Ray itself. I flipped open a small control panel, revealing a red lever, and pulled it down.
For a moment, the electronic hum in the chamber rose to a fever pitch – and then, suddenly, it cut out entirely.
“You always build your emergency shutoff levers in the same place, Universe,” I pointed out grumpily as the man stared at me. “Come on, I’ve stopped you what, a hundred times? Can’t we just cut the charade-“
“Agent Jeff, you fool!” the man shouted back at me.
Apparently not. I raised the hand not holding the pistol and rubbed my temples. I could already feel my headache starting.
“By disabling the Ray, there’s nowhere for the pent-up death energy to go!” Dr. Universe called out to me. “Now, it’s all going to go critical! We’ve got less than a minute until total meltdown, killing us – and sinking this entire island back into the ocean!”
On the control panel behind the mad doctor, a series of numbers appeared, counting down. The meltdown was coming.
With another groan, I stepped closer to the doctor. “Okay, where’s the secret escape?” I asked.
“Uh, the what?”
I waved the gun half-heartedly at him. “Come on. You always build some crazy stupid escape door into these lairs of yours,” I said. “Remember, I’ve stopped you dozens of times before? Just show me where it is.”
“Never!” the man shouted back at me, pointing at me with one white-gloved hand. “I’d sooner perish with my invention than let you escape-“
He never told me. I always hoped that he’d come around and see sense, but apparently logic wasn’t one of the doctor’s skills. I looked past him, and spotted the small door set back against the far side of the observatory wall.
“Hey! You can’t go there – that’s off limits!” Universe shouted at me as I ran for the door. “Wait, that’s not allowed! Stay here and perish!”
I hit the door with my lowered shoulder, and it burst open. I squinted my eyes at the bright sunlight shining outside, feeling it cut into my head and intensify my headache. Holding up one hand to shade my eyes, I scanned across the landscape.
There! The harbor! I leapt down from the observatory, charging across the island. Behind me, I could hear Universe puffing as he tried his best to keep up with me. Despite his grand speeches about devotion to his ridiculous science experiments, the man never actually seemed willing to stick around and die with them when they invariably started exploding.
I burst out of the jungle brush and onto the road, leading down to the harbor. I could see a couple small boats bobbing up and down, although none of them seemed to have a motor.
Not that I worried. “What I wouldn’t give for some aspirin,” I muttered to myself.
Suddenly, the sound of aircraft propellers cut through the air. Down from the sky descended the Project Zero, a tilt-rotor aircraft that had been custom outfitted for my mission. The airplane’s door had been slid open, and I could see Montebusty leaning out, holding out her slim, feminine hand to me.
“Over here, Jeff! Hurry, we don’t have much time!” she called out in that sultry voice of hers, her long blonde hair flapping in the downwash from the plane’s engines.
I angled towards the plane, reaching out and catching the woman’s hand. She hauled me up aboard, somehow managing to keep her large, busty chest rubbing against my head the entire time.
I stifled another sigh. Great. My coworker probably wanted to have sex in the plane again. We were supposed to be professionals! I wanted to yell at her. We’re supposed to be hunting down terrorists, not having wild, bendy, athletic sex in the back of our experimental aircraft!
As the plane pulled away, I heard the series of earth-shattering booms coming from the abandoned observatory. Lifting off, the aircraft shook from the shock wave of the Total Annihilation Ray melting down, but we managed to stay in the air, even as the ground split and exploded beneath us.
“Oh no! It looks like Dr. Universe is escaping!” Montebusty called out, pointing out the window with one perfectly manicured hand (and somehow straining out her chest in the process, to the point where I expected at least one tit to leap free).
Trying not to glare at her overt sexuality, I followed her pointing arm. Sure enough, I could see Dr. Universe’s white coat on board one of the boats – it seemed he’d just managed to reach the harbor and cut one of the boats free before the dock sank below the surface of the waves.
“I see you, Agent Jeff!” I heard him shout faintly up to me. “Next time, you won’t foil my plans to dominate the world!”
With a little surge of pleasurable satisfaction, I flicked him the bird as the plane pulled away.
“We’ll send the Royal Navy boats out to catch him,” Montebusty promised me, stepping forward towards me. “He won’t get away!”
I knew she was wrong. Universe always somehow managed to escape the searching Navy vessels. But I didn’t bother to correct her – what’s the point?
Meanwhile, Montebusty pushed me back into a seat, her hands crawling over me. “Now, I must make sure that you’re okay,” she murmured up to me, as her hands slid up my thighs. “After all, you’re a hero – and you deserve to be given whatever you want as a prize!”
I held up one hand, trying to block out the view of her massive cleavage pressing in against my crotch. “Listen, Monty-“
“Montebusty,” she corrected me, accenting her full name, even as her damn chest melons strained to burst out of her low-cut, skin-tight top. I could see both nipples standing out, hard and erect. Her hands slid over my lap, feeling for the bulge in my pants.
It wasn’t there. “Monty, I’ve got such a headache,” I groaned, pushing her back. “Listen, can we just fly back in silence? Come on, my head is killing me.”
Montebusty pouted at me, pushing out her supermodel lips and fluttering long lashes. “Are you sure? I’m feeling especially flexible.” She lifted one leg up until it pointed up at the ceiling.
I pointedly closed my eyes and tilted back in my seat, staring up at the ceiling.
God, I couldn’t wait for one of those beers at home. I knew that the Queen would want to present me with another medal or something, but surely we could skip the whole ceremony this time. I already had boxes of the damn medals sitting all over my apartment.
As the plane winged its way across the sky, I let myself daydream. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have any other job, I thought, not for the first time. Anything but this one.
Why had I ever answered that damn newspaper ad for a secret agent?