I peered around the small bathroom, searching for some sort of weapon that I could find. I needed something hard and strong, something that I could throw!
My fevered eye cast around, needing the right object. The bar of soap? Definitely not hard enough. A toothbrush? No way that it would penetrate the monster’s skin, even at its weak spot. The toilet paper? There was no way in hell that I was throwing that away! I would need that for later.
Finally, my desperate gaze landed on the plunger, sitting next to the toilet. It was a big, heavy affair, and it looked solid enough to land multiple good blows. I reached out and grabbed it.
Step one, acquire a weapon. Check.
I turned back to the hole I had knocked in the wall, looking out at the monster. It had been focused on something in the building across from us, and was now busy using its claws to try and tear a hole in the opposite wall. It was having issues getting past the steel girders, but I knew that those razor-sharp claws would soon make short work of the foundation. And fortunately, the monster’s back was turned to me, and I could see that spot between the beast’s shoulder blades.
Step two, find the monster’s weak spot. Check.
One hand firmly wrapped around the plunger, I struggled up from the seat, but a wave of weakness hit me as I managed to climb up to my feet. My free hand landed on the back of the toilet, and I had to suck in a few deep breaths. My damaged rear end was very exhausted already from previous work, and I had to focus the majority of my attention on not soiling my trousers.
With my teeth clenched and my fists squeezed so tight that the knuckles were white, I wavered on my feet. Raising the plunger, I swung it a couple more times at the hole in the wall, widening it until it was roughly my size.
I glared across the street at the back of the monster. “God dammit, I hate having to be a hero sometimes,” I muttered to myself. And then, sucking in one last deep breath, I leapt out of the building.
I went flying across the street, watching the monster’s back come zooming into my vision. I landed with a bone-jarring thump, and felt another twinge shoot through my tortured intestines as my boots hit the monster’s armored plates.
Unfortunately, the impact was strong enough for the beast to take notice of a pesky fly hitting its back. It turned and twisted, releasing its grip on the building as it tried to see what had just flicked it.
It was only a matter of time before the creature came up with the idea of rolling on its back; I had to act fast. I raised the plunger up over my head with both arms, trying to ignore how the action made my stomach lurch.
“Please, let this work,” I whispered, and then slammed the plunger home, driving it all the way into the creature’s skin to the hilt.
For once, luck was on my side. The creature gave a sudden spasm as the weapon went in, and it instantly collapsed, down towards the street.
Step three, take out the threat. Check.
I rode the monster down to the ground, although honestly, more of my attention was focused on keeping my sphincter clenched than it was on making sure the beast was well and truly dead. As the street came closer, I saw a small figure come running out of the building across the street.
“Captain United!” The woman was my secretary, and her eyes were wide as she came scurrying towards the dying monster. “Captain!”
I staggered down from the monster’s corpse. “Don’t worry,” I got out, waving my hand at the giant body behind me. “Problem all taken care of.”
“Captain!” my secretary called out. She was clearly out of breath, but she raised one hand to point at me. “Captain, your pants…”
I looked down, confused about what she was going on about. But then, as the paparazzi closed in, raising their cameras and calling out questions, I realized that, in my haste to dispatch the monster, I had made a critical error.
I had never fully pulled up my pants…