“Captain!” The voice outside the door was insistent, filled with urgency. “Captain, they’re calling for you – it sounds serious!”
I groaned loudly in response, raising my free hand to rub at my face. My other hand was clutching my knee as I bent forward, and my face was screwed up in exertion. “Not a good time!” I managed to grunt out in return.
From outside the room, I heard a loud crash. This time, when my secretary yelled for me again, there was a new note of urgency in her voice. “Captain, I don’t think that they can wait much longer!”
I could only respond with another groan, slumping forward a bit. This was absolutely the worst time possible. “Couldn’t Steelfist handle it? He owes me a favor!” I called out.
“Abroad at a conference!” my secretary responded, frustratingly helpful. “And Odin is off on another astral plane, and we haven’t been able to raise him! Apparently cell phones can’t reach through the impenetrable ether.”
From outside, I could hear some faint but clear sounds of destruction, of shrieking steel and collapsing concrete. I had to get out there. People were in danger! But when I started to stand up, I heard another unpleasant sound – this one a gurgling, coming from inside my abdomen.
“Oh god, I should not have gone for the all-you-can-eat option,” I groaned to myself, settling back down onto the porcelain throne that had become my prison.
The crashes were growing louder. “Captain United!” my secretary yelled, a note of panic in her voice.
I felt a new wave of uncomfortable queasiness course through me, and shifted on the seat as it passed. The crashes were so loud, I swore that they were right outside my little room-
-wait a minute. I turned and looked at the wall next to me. I carefully removed the toilet paper, setting it down between my feet. At the moment, it was more valuable than gold. Once that was safe, I turned to the wall, grimaced, and raised a gauntlet-clad fist.
I slammed my fist into the wall, sending a spiderweb of cracks out in all directions. Two more punches, and I had opened up a hole big enough to stare through. Leaning forward, I stared through the hole out at the large, scaly monster roaring and tearing its way through downtown.
Despite the hole that I had knocked in the side of the building, the monster hadn’t been alerted to my presence – it was a small relief to see that it had not figured out that men on toilets could be a threat. And as it turned away, I spotted a small area on the back of its neck where the large plates of armor had a chink, where there was nothing protecting the beast’s spinal cord. That was the weak spot! If I only could find something to hit it with…
To be continued…