Sir, sir, don’t go walking by! Oh boy, it’s your lucky day – I’ve got a hell of an opportunity for you!

Yes, I knew that you’d stop. I see it in your eyes – you have that drive, that desire to be the best. You, sir, are a man of great taste, of conscious fashion, of wanting to have all the best things in life – but not be over the top about it, no sir. Am I right in my assessment of you? Do I have the right man?

Yes, I see that glint in your eye. You are a man who will succeed! And that’s why you need this.

What do you mean, “It’s just a pen”? How dare you? Sir, this is an Excalibur LowLight, from the Exclusive Quality Collection!

You know, maybe you aren’t even deserving of this. I think I’ve picked the wrong fellow. Your tastes are far too common, too crude, too crass-

Well, okay. I’ll show it to you – but don’t think that I’m ready to part with this yet. You haven’t proved that you’re worthy.

Worthy of what? Well, the Excalibur LowLight is not just your ordinary pen! Twist the patented Sur-Grip to the left, and you have black ink. Twist it to the right, and you get red ink! Guaranteed no bleeding between the chambers! Both can be independently refilled, using any Excalibur QualitiMark Ink Refill of your choice.

But that’s not all! Click the top, and the pen becomes a recording device, both camera and audio! See this little dot, here on the side? That captures full 4K resolution video. You sneak this into a Superbowl game, and you’ll have a better broadcast than anything on television! You sneak this into your bed with a young lady, and you’ll never leave your computer again!

Whoa, sir, take it easy! I didn’t mean to imply anything. I’m just pointing out the features of the Excalibur LowLight! Here, this one will dazzle you. Click the top twice, and the flashlight function activates! This beam can be seen from over ten miles away – don’t point it in your eyes!

Now, for this next one, sir, please take the pen. That’s right. Feel its SynthGold weight – that’s real, virgin SynthGold, never recycled, never used for anything but Excalibur’s creations! Now, please point the pen at this balloon, and squeeze on the two EZ-Touch pads on either side-

Yowza! Yes, that’s a real laser, mounted and ready for self-defense! It recharges with your steps, so the Excalibur LowLight never needs to be plugged in or attached to a cord! That laser could carve your face up alongside the presidents at Mount Rushmore! You’ll never fear walking your lady home again!

That’s right, sir, with the Excalibur LowLight in your hands, you are master of all you survey – and that includes time and space! The Excalibur LowLight includes our patented, exclusive Real-it-tee Warp, activated with just a shake of the pen! Shake to the left to achieve lateral motion, but be careful about shaking to the right, or you’ll activate Warp Sequences for transverse space-time acceleration! Here, sir, give it a slight shake to your left-

No, sir, your other left-

Oh dear.

Sir? Sir, are you around here?

Hello?

Damn. Excalibur really needs to tone down the sensitivity on that function. I almost had a sale, that time. Now I need to unbox another unit.

There we go.

Excuse me, ma’am! Yes, you ma’am, don’t just stroll by me – I’m here to give you the opportunity of a lifetime!