“Hold on. No, hold on.” I didn’t hear any objections coming from my companions as we stumbled out of the club, heading down to the parking garage, but I still felt the need to protest. “Hold on!”
Finally, Jack glanced back at me. “Dude, what is it?”
“I, uh, I need a minute.” I felt my bladder stretched to its limit, about to explode at any moment if I didn’t relieve the pressure. “Just hold on, okay?”
Without waiting for an answer, I headed away from the group, up towards the tree line of the nearby woods. I stumbled in past the first couple of rows of trees, but I couldn’t make it much further before need overwhelmed me and I came to a stop, fumbling for the zipper on my jeans.
Feeling desperation rising along with the water level, I managed to tug my equipment out, aimed it hurriedly at a tree, and then sighed as I let go of that tension. A powerful jet shot out, spraying against the tree and scattering droplets in all directions.
“Ohh, yes.” I closed my eyes, sagging back as I felt my bladder finally, mercifully, beginning to empty itself. This felt better than sex!
My eyes shot open at the unknown voice. Had someone caught me? Was I about to be arrested for public urination? I stared wildly ahead, but the sight didn’t explain anything to my drunk-addled brain.
In front of me stood a luminous figure, a tall man dressed in a white robe, or toga, of some sort. Below his blonde hair, his face glared at me, his reflection somewhere between furious and utterly bewildered.
“Oh! Uh…” I took a step backwards. I hadn’t even heard him approach!
Unfortunately, I’d forgotten about the fact that I was still halfway through the process of emptying my bladder. I couldn’t cut off that stream halfway through, and my sudden movement back altered the direction of the spray, sending a rush of golden droplets ahead of me-
-directly onto the man standing in front of me.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” I burst out, quickly shoving my hands down and trying to redirect my stream. There was something bothering me about the sight of the man in front of me, but I couldn’t quite place my drunken finger on it. “I, um, I can’t stop halfway through!”
Guiltily, I glanced at the bottom of the man’s toga getup. Sure enough, it looked quite wet, now with a newly acquired yellow hue. Oops. Nice going, drunken me. “I’m so sorry. As soon as I can stop, I’ll, um…”
Halfway through that sentence, as the man kept on making disgusted little noises and trying to shake drops of wetness off of his hands, my voice trailed off. Finally, my brain managed to kick in and point out what had seemed odd about him.
Slowly, my eyes rose up to the man’s head – and then kept on rising even higher.
There, floating a couple inches above the top of the man’s golden hair, a ring of light hovered, bobbing up and down slightly. I peered a little closer, hoping that this was just part of some costume getup, but it didn’t appear attached to anything. It just hung in the air, glowing.
The word “halo” flitted through my mind, carried in on a golden wave. Another word followed behind it, one that I didn’t want to consider.
I stared dumbly at the man (but he really wasn’t a man, was he?). “Are… are you here to punish me?” I asked faintly.
He blinked, looking even more confused. “Why would I punish you?”
“Er.” I didn’t want to explicitly point out that I’d just urinated on a Heavenly being, but the fact seemed pretty unavoidable.
Okay, then – redirect. “Why are you here, then?” I asked instead. “Are you a prophet? Are you here to deliver a message?”
The being – fine, the angel – sighed again. “No. Except maybe that you need to make some better choices with your life. Seriously, what are you doing with your limited time on Earth?”
“Um, pissing? Getting drunk?”
The angel just looked at me for another minute, and then shook his head. “Maybe this will have to wait for another time,” he muttered to himself. “Honestly, all the humans to watch over, and I get this one?”
He stepped forward, reached up, and lightly slapped me.
When I opened my eyes after taking that slap, I found myself alone in the forest.
I might have stood there for hours, my equipment still hanging out of my jeans, staring around and trying to figure out what had just happened. Instead, however, my ears caught a shout, snapping me out of my fugue.
“Hey! Dude, are you coming? We got the car!”
That was Jack’s voice. Hurriedly, I tucked myself back in, not even caring about how a dribble of warmth ran down one leg. I stumbled back out of the forest, over to the road, where Jack and the girls were already sitting in the car.
Jack eyed me as I approached. “Everything go okay in there?”
“Uh, no? Yes.” I shook my head. “Let’s just get home.”
Climbing into the back seat, one of the girls we’d met at the club that night (Anita? I couldn’t remember her name) slipped a hand over my thigh, but then pulled it back in disgust. “Ugh, you’re wet!”
Any other night, I might have tried to convince her that it was nothing, just dew from the forest. Tonight, however, I just leaned back, closing my eyes. Maybe I wasn’t making the best of my life, after all. And getting with Anita, or whoever she was, wasn’t going to help make things better.
After all, when a guy pisses on his guardian angel, I thought to myself, he’s probably at the lowest point in his life…