“Hello, gentlemen. Today, we’ve called you all in because all of you have previously prescribed Trexaphil, and we want to offer you a chance to spread the word. Now, for the record, can we get your names, and your specialties?”
“Dr. Newman, trauma medicine.”
“Dr. Cooper, gastrointestinal disorders.”
“Dr. Arthur, pediatrics.”
DR. HAARLAX GARJHALLARAXX, PLAGUE, PESTILENCE, AND LAMENTATION.
“Dr. Daniels, orthodontics.”
The presenter paused for a moment, his brow furrowing. Something didn’t sound quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on what felt off. He decided to press on.
“Great, thank you. And according to our records, each of you prescribed Trexaphil within the last year. Going down the line, can each of you explain what you prescribed this medicine for? We’ll start with you, Dr. Newman.”
“Thank you. Yes, as mentioned, I prescribed Trexaphil after a trauma patient reported headaches and chills that made it difficult for him to focus on his physical therapy after an accident. The Trexaphil did a great job of helping increase his mental focus, and I’m happy to report that he made a full recovery.”
“Thanks, Dr. Newman. And now, let’s hear from Dr… Cooper, why don’t you speak next.”
“Yes, of course. A patient of mine was receiving treatment for a secondary bowel infection, and he needed an anti-inflammatory that wouldn’t also further compromise his damaged gut microbiome. Trexaphil was suggested to me as a solution, and I was pleased to note that it caused no shift in his microbe populations.”
“Wonderful. And now, how about Dr… er, I’m not quite sure how to pronounce-“
“Uh, yes, of course. And you prescribed Trexaphil, did you?”
I DO NOT RECALL – AH, YES, THE SMALL PURPLE PILLS. WE BELIEVED THAT THEY CONTAINED SIGNIFICANT LEVELS OF ARSENIC, AND INSERTED THEM VIOLENTLY INTO THE WATER SUPPLY OF A VILLAGE TO USHER IN A NEW DARK AGE OF DISEASE.
“I, uh, I don’t think they actually contain any arsenic.”
THEN THAT IS WHY OUR DARK VISION DID NOT COME TO PASS! BLOOD AND DEATH UPON YOU FOR MISLEADING US WITH YOUR FALSE ADVERTISING! WE SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR FLESH-RENT CARCASS!
“Right.” The advertising executive felt very uncertain about how to proceed. He’d never had a focus group member threaten to feast upon him, although one angry senior citizen had once thrown a half-full can of Pepsi at his head. “Well, um, perhaps we should just jump ahead.”
Yes, that seemed like a good idea. Something about the fourth doctor kept making him want to scratch at his skin. “So, I will take a simple yes-no vote. Would you recommend Trexaphil to patients who may currently be unsatisfied with their drug regimen?”
“Yes, I would.”
“I agree. It did wonders for my patients.”
“I’m a bit cautious, but I see no reason why it shouldn’t be used in the right situations.”
Feeling strangely fearful, the advertising executive turned to Dr. Garj-whatever his name was. “And you?”
SNIFF. THE SMALL PURPLE PILL DID NOT CAUSE ANY PESTILENCE OR AGONY. IT EVEN SEEMED TO MAKE SOME OF THE PUNY MORTALS HAPPIER AND MORE COMFORTABLE. IT SHOULD BE DESTROYED BY RED-HOT SCOURING IRONS.
After he forced his leg to stop quivering, the executive paused. That might not have been a perfect endorsement, but he’d take it! “And finally you, Dr. Daniels,” he finished, feeling his heart start to rise.
“I actually feel that Trexaphil didn’t perform significantly differently from other options on the market, and it isn’t worth its elevated price. I don’t recommend it.”
The marketing executive sighed. Still, four out of five was good enough to progress to the next stage of the advertising campaign.
“Well, thank you very much for your time, gentlemen. Please, feel free to help yourselves to snacks and complimentary coffee before you leave.”