Love at the return counter

The big box in my arms was heavy as well as just a little too big for me to hold comfortably, and I could feel the damn thing slipping out of my hands.  I tried to tighten my fingers as best I could, even as I began to lose sensation.  I was so close!

At least, I was close to the front of the line.  In terms of absolutes, however, I was still far, far away from clawing my way back up to equal…

I scanned the line of harried looking employees just ahead of me, each one of them almost cowering in their bunkers back behind the counters.  Insulated from the customers by that two-foot barrier, they held a disturbing level of power over us.

I just needed a single chink in their armor, enough to break through.  Enough to get this damn boxed-up television sitting at my feet out of my life for good!

I cast my eyes along the row of employees and their paired angry customers, looking for an opening.  Of course, I couldn’t stop my eyes from lingering on one young woman, waving her arms in exasperation as she glared daggers across the counter at the middle-aged balding man who appeared helpless in the face of her onslaught.

“Listen, you muppet!” I heard the girl yell out in impotent anger.  “The thing’s screen was showing nothing but cracks from the moment I took it out of the box, and I’m not paying any damn ‘restocking fee’!”

Wait a minute.  That young woman’s complaint sounded familiar.  I pulled my eyes away from her bottom, even though it looked quite fetching in her tight, well-fitted jeans.

Instead, my eyes tracked upwards, settling on the large box sitting on the counter beside her.  I was right!  It was the same product!

Even though there still wasn’t another open position, I hefted the box in my own arms one last time, and moved forward to slam the box down on the counter next to the young woman’s item.  She glanced over at me in surprise, but I did my best to give her a reassuring nod.

“I had exactly the same problem!” I called out to the middle-aged man, patting my box on the counter – which happened to be an exact twin to the young woman’s returned item.  “As soon as I took it out of the box, I saw that it was covered in a spiderweb of cracks!”

The woman looked as though she was about to bite my head off for interrupting at first, but she was quick on the uptake.  She soon ascertained that I was an ally, not a threat.  “See?  It’s a problem with this whole line of televisions – I read about it online!” she added, leaning forward to glare over the counter at the man behind it.

Gosh, when she leaned forward like that, her fitted jacket rose up to really show off that cute little rear I had been checking out earlier.  The man in front of us in his blue polo shirt, however, couldn’t see that rear – and I doubted that he’d care much even if he could see.

“Look miss,” he tried to protest.  His eyes tracked over to me, and he hastily amended his comment.  “Er, sir, as well.  Once you’ve opened the item, we’re happy to return it still – but we have to charge a fee to put the item back on the shelves!  It’s standard!”

“But we got it broken!” we both yelled at exactly the same time.

Perhaps, if just one of us had been protesting, the man could have managed to hold his bureaucratic bulwark against us.  But when faced with a  dual onslaught, he just couldn’t throw up enough paper walls to hold off our twin fiery glares.  He crumbled before us.

“Look, I suppose that I could waive the fee if you’re willing to take store credit,” he offered, holding up his hands as if to shield us off.  “If you’re buying another television, well, you can go pick out a working one now?”

For a minute longer, we both glared at him, but his offer did make sense.  “Well, all right,” I gave in, dropping my gaze slightly.

“Yeah, I can live with that,” the woman admitted a breath later.

As the man let out a very big sigh of relief and turned to bustle away, dealing with the return of the two broken televisions, I glanced at the young woman.  I hadn’t gotten to see her face without the angry scowl on it, but now that her features had softened, I saw that she was actually quite cute.  Chestnut brown tresses framed a round face in soft waves, and her eyes looked sharp and alert.  If I had seen her at a coffee shop, I would have considered offering to pay for her cup.

“Hey, I’m Joe,” I spoke up, grinning at her as best I could manage after spending so long in line.

“Abigail,” she returns, managing to put on a quick smile.

“Nice to meet you,” I said, as the man behind the counter returned and handed us each a gift card.  “Can I join you in checking out some TVs?”

Abigail looked at me up and down for a second, but then that smile bloomed on her face again.  “Sure,” she said, and I saw a little dimple in her cheek as she slid her hand through the crook of my arm.

And then, hand in hand, we strolled through the store towards the television section.

The Next Big Thing in Video Games

The Prompt: Come up with the most outlandish “next big thing” in video games – and then sell it!

Read on to see my take on the industry’s newest darling…


The Game: Tax Simulator 2015

The user fills out tax forms, completing “simulated” tax forms for the IRS, calculating deductions, adding columns, translating figures, converting from decimal to percent and back, and determining the best forms to use for any tax situation.

As a further boost to revenue, users can pay InterLife, the studio behind Tax Simulator 2015, to complete their own real-life tax forms!  Their tax details are added in to the bank of random simulated details, and are completed by users.  The results are uploaded back to InterLife and aggregated to provide tax completion data for the users.

The Investor Pitch: By both diversifying the aggregate revenue stream and repurposing existing tech for new income generation opportunities, InterLife will create multiple opportunities to conquer both the gaming and tax preparation markets.

The Consumer Pitch: Find out what it’s like to spend an exciting day in the life of the coolest person in your life – your tax preparer!

Remember how your father always told you to be an accountant, how it was one of the best money-making professions?  “People always need accountants,” he would say.  Now, you can see what you are missing out on, by doing taxes yourself!

Get real-life experience in completing the most devastating mental assaults that the IRS can create!  Gain real-life experience while completing daily challenges, earn Tax Gold (TM) for bonus activities, and interact with a thriving online community!

Tax Simulator 2015, coming soon!  Pre-order the Alpha Version now, and get your first month’s subscription for free, plus a chance to order custom day-one DLC!

100% Achieved

When I flopped back onto the pillow, just before my eyes sagged shut, I glanced over at the clock.

11:57 PM, the red numbers read in the darkness.

I was feeling pretty good with the day already, feeling pretty accomplished.  Man, I thought to myself, I got a lot done!  But I still felt as though I was forgetting something…

Oh, wait!  I had to send that email to Harken!  Quickly, I grabbed at my bedside table for my phone.  Fortunately, the message to pass on was short, and it only took a few keystrokes before it was ready.  With a sigh of relief, I pushed my thumb down firmly on the text at the top of the screen marked “Send.”

With a little whoosh, the email darted off through my wireless into cyberspace, and I set the phone back down on the little night table.  11:59, read the clock – just in time!  Day complete!

I was very proud of what I’d accomplished.

So proud, in fact, that when the words “100% ACHIEVED” swam into visibility on the blackness of the ceiling, the letters glowing bright green, it didn’t even seem odd-

-at first.

I wasn’t, however, prepared for what came next.

Slowly, almost shimmering into existence, three more lines of text appeared, underneath this “100% ACHIEVED” banner.  They read, in order:

“LOG OUT”

“CONTINUE: FREE ROAM”

“NEW GAME+”

This was odd, I thought to myself, but I didn’t feel quite like I was in a panic.  Lying there in the softness of my blankets and pillows on my bed, it was tough to be scared or surprised.  Instead, I just gazed up, trying to get my fuzzy thoughts to line up.

Sure, I’d played a few video games in my time; I had some idea of what these options meant.  But I wasn’t used to trying to apply them to my own life, and so some of the options weren’t quite making sense.

Clearly, I’d achieved some sort of success in life.  I mean, I had my credit cards all paid off, a comfortable job, and had even finally managed to talk to that cute barista that kept on drawing little hearts on my morning coffee cups.  Was that a hundred percent?  It didn’t seem quite right.

So what to do next?

LOG OUT?  I didn’t think so!  I’d worked hard to reach this point, and I wasn’t starting over now!

CONTINUE: FREE ROAM?  If I remembered, that would mean that I could wrap up current objectives.  Not bad, not bad.  On one hand, I wouldn’t advance any further, but I wouldn’t lose all my current progress.

NEW GAME+… now, that was the most intriguing.  The opportunity to start a new life, possibly with something carrying over?  Wow, that would be nice.

Briefly, I wondered whether that was how so many people became rich and powerful.  Did they score 100% completion on a day, and then bring all of their accumulated money and knowledge into their next life, starting with a leg up?

The temptation to join them was very strong.

But on the other hand… I had only just scored that cute girl’s number, and I was really looking forward to our first date.  How hard could it really be to get another 100% complete day, now that I knew what to work towards?

And so I blinked a few more times, until the text on the ceiling faded away, and drifted gently off to sleep.