The Telemarketer

Hey, my phone’s ringing!  Why?  Who in the world is so desperate to talk to me at 9:38 in the morning on a Tuesday?

Oh, here it is.  Hmm.  Unknown number.  Well, this doesn’t seem promising.  But whatever, it’s still ringing, and I’m out in public.  People are starting to look at me.  This feels a little uncomfortable…

Sure, I could just hang up, which is what I’d do in private.  If it’s really important, they’ll leave a message like a voicemail, and if it isn’t important, then I saved myself lots of time!  Like, a while three minutes!  But if I do that out in public, people will think that I’m intentionally ignoring someone.  They might think it’s my girlfriend or something, and assume that I’m a mean person.  Which I’m not!

Crap, this is taking too long.  It’s still ringing.  Better just answer.


Oh no.  They’re using my last name, pronounced incorrectly.  This isn’t good.

“Excuse me, what’s this about?”

Well, that jumped them ahead all of two lines in their script.  God, it’s a telemarketer.  I hate these.  No, I don’t want to buy anything!  If I did, I most certainly wouldn’t do it this way – I’d use this amazing new invention, called the Internet!

How are telemarketers still in business, anyway?  I mean, it costs a lot to employ a person on phone lines.  And I thought I was on some sort of list.  Wasn’t there a thing about this in Congress?  A National Do Not Call list or something?  But it probably got vetoed by Congress anyway, since they’re all being paid by corporations.

Oh my god, this guy is still talking.  How long is his script?  I can see the line moving.  I’m going to have to put in my coffee order soon.  Can I put him on hold?  Will he even notice?

Wait a sec.  He paused.  He’s waiting for my input.  I wasn’t listening.

“Er, what?”

Oh.  He’s wondering if I’m happy with my provider.  Provider of what?  Cell phone service?  TV service?  Probably land line service, considering how backwards this all is.

“Yes, I am happy, not looking to change.”

Nope, he’s still going.  Trying to sell me on extra features.  I’m still not sure what this service is.  And if I wanted extra features, I’d just buy them!  I mean, look at me.  I’m out paying for overpriced coffee in this shop, just because I can.  I most definitely have disposable income, I’m broadcasting right here!  I don’t need your charity bundle!

Of course, Mister Telemarketer can’t see any of that.  Another flaw in his marketing plan.

“No, no thank you.  I really don’t want to buy anything.”

Geez, can’t he take a hint?  I’m next to order, and I can see the barista glaring at me.  It’s not my fault!  This guy called me!  I don’t want to be the jerk on the phone at the coffee shop!

Eh, screw it.  This is worthless.  I’m dumping this chump.

“Thank you, thank you, no, goodbye!”

Aaaaaand click.  Whew.  I hate that.

“Okay, yeah, I’d like to order… um…”

Crap.  I didn’t have time to think about what I wanted.  Great.

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