Thunder boomed as I hurried up the steps towards the house. Rain was falling down in sheets, somehow managing to slip through the cracks in my oiled coat and trace cold trails down my skin. I clutched my satchel tighter to my chest, praying that the water wouldn’t seep inside and blur the hand-written pages of my precious book.
Reaching the front door, I held up my hand to knock, but the action was unnecessary – the door swung open, and a tall and imposing young man stared out at me. I could hear loud noises coming from inside the house past his bulky frame, but he blocked my vision. I estimated that he had to stand well over six feet tall, every inch of his body covered in gleaming, sweaty muscle.
“Pizza?” he asked.
“Um, no,” I replied. “Intervention? Demonic possession?”
The man stared down at me for a minute, and then his furrowed brow cleared. “Oh, yeah, that crazy chick! Come on in, dude.” He stepped aside, and I entered the house.
As I cleared the entrance, I was hit by a blast of humid heat. The gatekeeper behind me shrugged. “Sorry about the temp, bro,” he said. “Heater’s been on the fritz, and better to have it going full blast than not at all, right?” He elbowed me and winked. “Gets the chicks stripping down, I’ll tell ya that much!”
I ignored this comment, shedding my coat. The house was busy, and several other brawny young men were standing around, holding red plastic cups and chatting with young women in various states of undress. I clutched my holy book closer. I truly was in the den of sin, I thought, but I must be strong; I am here to stamp out the evil that has arisen, and I will not shirk from my duty.
The man who had let me in tapped me on the shoulder. “She’s upstairs, dude,” he said. He twisted the brimmed hat he wore on his head around to point backwards and headed up the stairs, shouldering his way past several clusters of giggling young women. I followed him.
On the second floor, the man led me down a hallway, and I couldn’t resist glancing into several of the open rooms on either side. A wide variety of activities seemed to be occurring; in one room, I saw two pairs of men and women standing at opposite ends of a long table. They appeared to be throwing small balls back and forth. One of them tossed the ball into a red cup on the opposite end of the table, and everybody let out a raucous cheer.
Turning my attention forward again, I nearly collided with my guide; he had stopped outside a closed door, his face looking concerned. “Dude, I hope you can help,” he said. “She was totally normal, doing shots of Jaeg with Brody, and then she just started shouting out some sort of crazy babble and telling us that we were all going to join her in Hell.
“We thought maybe she was just one of those crazy vegan chicks at first, ya know?” He smirked and elbowed me in the ribs again. “In need of some hot meat delivery, ya know what I’m sayin’? But she kept on screaming ’bout evil and wouldn’t take her top off, so we tossed her in Hayden’s room and called you.”
“How did you come to find my number, if I may ask?” I asked.
The man cocked a thumb at the door. “She was shouting it,” he replied. “At first we thought she was giving us her digits, but then when we texted, you called back.”
I reached up and patted the man on the shoulder. “You did the right thing, my son,” I told him. And then, bracing my shoulders, I opened the door and stepped inside.
At first, looking around, I thought that I was at ground zero of a tornado’s wreckage. The floor of the room was covered in assorted clothing and garbage, and more items were tossed over the backs of chairs and onto the blades of the ceiling fan. It took me a minute before I spotted the possessed girl, squatting in the middle of a large and suspiciously stained bedspread.
The girl’s abnormally pale white face, colored only by her blood-red eyes and lips, looked relieved when she saw me. “Oh, thank Lucifer!” she said, her voice deep and croaking. “Priest, you gotta get me out of here!”
I kept a safe distance, my book at the ready. But something wasn’t quite right about this situation. “State your presence for being here, foul daemon!” I intoned, but there was a hint of confusion to my words. This wasn’t how possessions normally went.
The girl rolled her eyes and tossed a lock of her blonde hair over her shoulder. “Ba’elzamon, corruption and claiming damned souls, all of that,” she griped. “At least, if the damn summoning had worked. But this stupid bitch must have opened her vessel at the same time. Total fuck-up. Now, can you, like, exorcise me already?”
My sense of unease deepened. “You are claiming souls here?” I asked, glancing around. Judging from what I had seen, these people were certainly damned – but nobody seemed worth a personal visit from a demon from Hell’s very bowels.
“Like, as if!” the demon replied. “Look, I’m supposed to be inside the Italian ambassador right now, other side of the country. But this stupid bitch, like, totally managed to puke out the words of the completion ceremony at the wrong time, so now I’m here!” She pulled a few strands of blonde hair up in front of her face. “Look at this shit. You can totally tell it’s fake from the roots!” She turned her attention back to me. “Now, make with the holy book, the water sprinkling, all that, so that I can get out of this stupid meat shell and back to Hell. This whole operation’s, like, a total flop.”
This was certainly irregular. I opened up the book, but paused again. “Maybe I shouldn’t banish you,” I said slowly. “Perhaps being stuck here is divine choice, a punishment for the evil you have committed.”
The girl blinked at me a couple times. “Oh. My. Gawd.” she said slowly. “Listen, priesty, just ’cause I’m trapped in a body that’s mostly tits and ass doesn’t mean I still can’t pull out some hellfire and corruption. Although honestly, this place is such a pigsty that I think my burning it to the ground would actually be an improvement.” She pointed her finger at a half-empty glass bottle of liquor on the room’s desk, and it melted slowly into a pool of bubbling molten glass.
I shook my head. “No,” I said with growing conviction. “I’m not banishing you back to Hell, where you could cause further damage!”
The girl opened her mouth again angrily, but paused, tilting her head. A cunning look flashed across her face. “You’re, like, sworn to a vow of chastity, aren’t you, priesty?” she asked, her tongue darting out like a snake over her lips. “Maybe it’s time to give up that oath…” And before I could respond, she reached up and tugged her skimpy tee shirt up over her head!
This girl had, apparently, chosen not to wear a bra to this house party. I felt my eyes magnetically pulled to the girl’s tits, standing out from her chest like a pair of ripe oranges. I opened my mouth, but only wordless stammers came from my throat.
The topless girl crawled forward across the bed towards me, her tits hanging down between her arms, her ass up in the air behind her. “Come on, priesty, let me see what you’re packing under that robe,” she purred. “I’m such a bad girl! I need to be punished!”
Before I could react, she was on me, her hands like claws as they pulled and tore at my garments. “Give me that dick!” she hissed. “I’m, like, totally hot for you!”
Her razor-sharp nails sliced through my clothing like, well, razors. Panicking, I hurriedly flipped my holy book open, reading off an incantation. My voice jumped an octave as I felt those fingers grazing my hips, running up my exposed thighs, but I didn’t lose my place. I spoke the rest of the incantation in record time.
Now, all that was necessary was the holy water. I fumbled for the canteen, at the bottom of the bag. The girl was now pressing her naked chest against me, hissing something about being “Daddy’s bad little girl.” My fumbling fingers finally got the cap off, and I hastily upended the canteen over the demon’s head.
Water coursed down, soaking the girl’s hair and, I was ashamed to notice, flowing down her back to soak through her equally skimpy fabric shorts. As the fabric was soaked through with holy water, I could make out a “T” outline of underwear. I pulled my eyes up and tried to take deep breaths.
The girl sputtered, flopping back on the bed and twisting. Steam rose from her naked form as the holy water saturated her soul, driving out the demonic presence. Finally, her eyes cleared, color returning back to her face. She glanced around, down at her nearly naked form, and then up at me.
“Well, not my worst fuck,” she said, her eyes roaming over me. “So have you got protection? Or do you wanna, like, risk it?”
“Problem solved!” I shouted to the giant bro who had been guarding the door as I bolted out of the room. “Possession totally cleared up!”
Despite my hurry, the man still had time to notice my state of partial undress. “Looks like she gave you a good thank you, huh?” he leered.
I didn’t bother to respond, taking the steps down to the front door two at a time. From behind me I heard the girl let out an enraged shriek. “You could, like, at least give me your number!” she howled. “Tease!”
I paused at the front door. “Listen up!” I shouted, making the men and women in the room turn towards me. “Next time you have a demonic possession – call someone else!”
*Author’s note: I have no idea if this is funny or not – but it was certainly very strange to write…*