Ever noticed that there are incredibly witty one-liners at the top of this blog, just under the title, and they change every time you refresh the page? “How does he do that?” you ask. “Does he put a new one up there every time, just for me?”
Yes. Yes, it’s just for you. Because you’re special.
But if you’re curious and don’t want to refresh the page a million times, here is the full list so far:
0. Probably not the worst blog you’ve seen
1. Before publishing: insert meaningful statement here
2. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see
3. A duck’s opinion of me is influenced largely by whether I have bread
4. Luckiness: being run over by an ambulance.
5. Intelligence is chasing me, but I’m beating it so far
6. Careful where you point that
7. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence you tried
8. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window
9. Wear short sleeves support your right to bare arms!
10. What’s the speed of dark?
11. I like big butts and I lie all the time
12. I like my women how I like my coffee: hot and bitter
13. Lick your computer right now. Do it
14. A runway model for sweatpants
15. Better than unlimited juice, if only slightly
16. Yay, beers! Taste like tears!
17. Why settle for Mr. Right, when you could have Mr. Restraining Order?
18. Your hair smells like roses. Dirty, dirty roses
19. Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations
20. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t
21. Internet: all of the piracy, none of the scurvy
22. Santa knows where all the bad girls live
23. Every zoo’s a petting zoo if you’re man enough
24. If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off
25. I put the sexy in dyslexic
26. Putting laughter back into manslaughter
27. Atheism’s a non-prophet organization
28. Life is like an analogy
29. Tornado rips through cemetery, hundreds dead
30. Coffee just isn’t my cup of tea
31. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure
32. I miss your absence
33. I broke up with my gym. We just weren’t working out
34. I overthink underthinking
35. Every warning label has an awesome backstory
36. So far out of your league I’m playing for the other team
37. In a battle with words, I’m ready to mumble
38. My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are, but I laugh more
39. The best thing about telepathy is . . . I know, right?
40. I’m counting on you, fingers.
41. How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words
42. Measure once, panic twice
43. It’s all shits and giggles until someone shits and giggles
44. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
45. I played sports until I realized you could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
46. These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
47. I was born at a very young age
48. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped
49. Whiteboards are remarkable
50. Camping is intense
51. Procrastination – working tomorrow for a better today
52. Nobody drives in New York. Too much traffic.
53. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it
54. I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know Y
55. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything
56. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one
57. I love the word frequently, and try to use it as much as possible
58. It’s been swell, but the swelling’s gone down
59. Like a midget at a urinal, I needed to stay on my toes
60. What’s the hardest thing about a joke? timing
61. Dead batteries for sale, free of charge!
62. Have any naked pictures of your wife? Want some?
63. I wish I shared your point of view, but my head doesn’t fit up there
64. Eating a clock is time consuming
65. I was shocked to find out my toaster isn’t waterproof
66. A plateau is the highest form of flattery