Gotta Go!

Oh man, I really have to go.

Ugh. I’m trapped, though. Whomever decided that booths in restaurants should be one long, curving bench ought to be locked up. Should I say something?  I guess I have to wait for a lull in the conversation?

Erp. Nope, can’t wait that long. Gotta go. I’ll just make a quiet announcement to this lady next to me.

Okay, well, that sort of worked. It’s spreading like a ripple. Wonderful, now everyone knows that I’m about to explode. Ugh, doesn’t matter. Gotta go. Let me out!

New observation for future reference: standing makes the sensation worse. Yes, yes, be back in a second, sprint away. Now, where the heck are the bathrooms in this place?

There they are . . . Nope, never mind, that’s the kitchen. Oops. Seriously, they’re always impossible to find!  I’m going to leave a big puddle on their fancy carpet- wait, there!  Like a light from heaven, I see the restroom sign!

Okay, men’s room. Not women’s. Not making that mistake again.

Great thing about being a guy – never a line for bathrooms!  Now, unzip. Oh man, my teeth are floating. Come here, where are you. Ah, there you are. Come on out, little buddy.

Ahhhhhhhhh. Oh, that’s such a good feeling. Someone probably says that it’s better than sex. I mean, they are either wrong, or having really terrible sex, but it’s still a great feeling. Total relaxation.

Man, it feels like this is taking forever. How much did I drink?  Whoop, gotta correct for declining water pressure. Aiming is hard.

There we go, all done!  Now, shake it off. Wait, where did that drop go?  Aw man, it’s on my shoe. Maybe I can sort of scrape it off with my other foot. There, now it isn’t so noticeable.

Shake complete; time to holster the rifle. Aaand there’s still one more drop left. Dampness. I hate that feeling. Oh well. On to the hand washing.

Didn’t I read somewhere that it’s actually cleaner if I don’t touch anything in the bathroom?  Besides myself, of course. The handle of the door is definitely dirty. I’ll use the paper towel to open it.  I wonder if everyone else has this thought too.

Okay, time to head back to the table. One last check: any spotting?  Good, nothing has bled through. It’s as if it didn’t exist!  What bodily functions?

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