"I’m bored" Activity #19,852

“I’m bored” Activity #19,852:
Wedding band spotting

Whether it’s on family shopping expeditions or trips with friends who have somehow convinced me to tag along, I often find myself stuck in the mall, unable to stray from my post and with sparse entertainment options. In that case, I sometimes turn to eyeing the passing men and women, trying to spot wedding bands.

There are two parts to this activity; the first part is to size up the target and make my best guess as to their marital status. With some individuals, such a guess isn’t hard to make. The elderly couple holding hands or the parents pushing a stroller with their second child are usually married, while the flock of younger college students are probably safely single.

After I’ve made my prediction, it’s time to test the hypothesis. Pro tip: because the wedding ring is usually worn on the left hand, a bench in the middle of the aisle provides the best vantage point.

Although this activity seems like it would quickly grow tedious, surprising anomalies often arise. Many more young couples with babies aren’t sporting rings – has our generation fully embraced the life in sin?  I also wonder about the middle-aged women, portly and laden with purchases, who display no ring. Are they still searching for love, or are they replacing this yearning with chintzy clothes and oversized bangles?

Secondary activity: base your initial guesses upon their attire (which group is sluttier?  Which group is more fashion conscious?  Is he wearing the wife-beater because he’s given up on women, or because he’s resigned with his wife?)

For bonus points: waggle your eyebrows suggestively at every unmarried member of the opposite sex.

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