Internal Dialogue 2: Free Time

Author’s note: As in my previous internal dialogue, I’m spicing this one up by making it a conversation between me and good ol’ Honest Abe.  Please note that I do not actually believe I am talking to Abraham Lincoln.

When I got to the bar, our sixteenth president was already sitting at the bar, nose buried in a large mug of beer.  I flop down heavily on the stool next to him.  “Ugh,” I announce loudly, voicing my opinion of the world in general with a single snort.

Lincoln glances over at me.  “Oh, it’s just you again,” he comments without rancor.  “You know, you seem to imagine me up a lot for these sorts of things.”

“So?” I shoot back.  “What’s wrong with conversing with an imaginary version of the Great Emancipator?”

Abe shrugs back, taking a pull of beer.  “Nothing, as long as you pay my bar tab.”  He sets the glass down and turns to face me.  “So, what’s up, holmes?”

“Holmes?”

“I’m trying something new,” he says.  “Just because I’ve been dead for a hundred and fifty years doesn’t mean I can’t learn the new words all the kids are using!”

I decide not to correct him.  “Okay, you know all about my work, right?” I begin.

“Sure,” he responds.  “You work for Habitat for Humanity, rebuilding peoples’ homes, fixing them up when the residents aren’t able to afford it.  Noble stuff.  Could have used a few of you back after the whole war thing was finished, going around fixing up the South.  Might have alleviated a little tension, now that I think about it.”

“Yeah, exactly,” I say.  “Noble stuff.  Helping out people in need.  Except that’s the problem.”

“They aren’t in need?” Abe guesses shrewdly.

“Exactly!” I exclaim, thumping the top of the bar for emphasis.  The bartender glances down at me.  I wasn’t originally trying to attract his attention, but I figure I shouldn’t waste it, and order a beer.  Next to me, Lincoln holds up his empty glass, waving it back and forth in the universal gesture for a refill.

After I’ve taken a long swig of alcohol, I resume my complaint.  “Most of the time, these people that we help are at the house while we’re working,” I explain.  “But they aren’t usually doing much!  I’d expect them to try to help us, you know, since we’re doing all of this work for them for free, basically no strings attached.  But instead, we get nothing from them!”

“Maybe they don’t know how to help, though?” Abe guesses.

“Then they should ask!  It’s really not hard, in most cases – if you can move a paintbrush back and forth, you can help out!  But instead, they just sit around like lumps, eyes glued to Maury on the television!  They literally just sit there, watching TV, for the entire day!”  I slump back in my seat, frustrated.

The President considers this for a minute as he sucks the foamy head off his beer.  “So you’re frustrated that they’re just sitting back and not working for themselves,” he clarifies.

“That’s pretty much my complaint, yeah.”

Lincoln sets down his drink, already nearly halfway empty.  “But hold on for a moment.  What do you do when you get home from work?”

“Well, I relax,” I respond, taken aback slightly by the question out of left field.  “You know, take off my socks, recline, catch up on my TV shows-“

“Aha!” Abe cuts me off.  “So you also spend your free time lazing about and watching television!”

“It’s not the same!” I protest.  “I’m doing it after a long day of work!  I’ve been productive already!”

Abe waggles a finger at me, in what I find to be a rather insulting manner.  “It’s very similar, though.  We all need to take time to relax, and most of us choose to immerse ourselves in TV to serve as a distraction from the real world, a place where things really do work out at the end of the half hour.”  He pauses for a second. “Well, almost everyone does this.  I don’t, first because television wasn’t around back in my time, and secondly because I’m a figment of your imagination.  But you get the idea.”

I finish off my drink.  “I still disagree.  I’ve earned my time of zoning out.  People need to work harder!”  Lincoln starts to wave the bartender over once again, but I hold up a hand in protest.  “No more for me.  I’m headed home.”

“To do what?” he asks.

I shout back over my shoulder, “To relax!”

Guest Post: "Girls’ Lunch Date", by Elle West

Author’s note: It seems that I’m not the only one who tends to have internal monologues!  I am pleased to welcome my very first guest post on Missing Brains, in which the author sits down for a Manhattan lunch with her good friend Beyoncé.
As I looked over the menu, I could feel my eyes start to glaze over. I should never have let Bey pick the restaurant. She never understood that I was just a college student without a billion dollar net worth. I could hear the emptiness echoing from both my wallet and my stomach.
“What are you thinking, honey?” she asked absentmindedly. I was transfixed for a moment at the sound of her voice. I wondered how many Grammys she had to keep in the back of her closet for lack of space in her French pied-à-terre. I gulped. Making conversation was not going to be easy.
“Oh, I think I’ll just have a side of sautéed carrots or something.” I looked up to try to gauge Bey’s reaction. She had her eyes on her iPhone, typing a note, most likely to Jay.
“Sorry babe, Jay’s been babysitting, and I think he’s overwhelmed,” she said, looking up at me and smiling. My frustration melted away. Her perfect face glanced quickly down at the menu and then back up to me. “I think I’ll have a salad. The raspberry-glazed walnut greens are supposedly to die for.” She smiled again, and slipped her phone into the purse slung across the back of her chair.
“Now you. What is happening in your life these days? I hear there’s a boy…?” Her voice sounded like a million twinkling lights. My annoyance returned. This lunch had been a mistake.
“Look, Bey, I’m not a hundred percent sure I want to discuss this one with you. The last time we talked about dates you set me up with the Czar of Serbia’s son, and he tried to convert me to communism on a yacht in the middle of the Adriatic.” I grimaced at the memory. Beyoncé looked slightly ashamed.
“You know I was just trying to look out for you, Lie. Wasn’t it you who said he was a great kisser?” She winked. I grimaced again.
“That was before he told me that the boat hands were illegal Serbian slaves.” She rolled her eyes at that. Even sarcasm looked good on her. I spent a second wondering whether fairy dust came out of her nose when she sneezed.
“C’mon, Lie, tell me something about your love life. I promise I won’t intrude this time,” she said, smiling sweetly. I sighed.
“Okay, okay. I know Ivy is keeping you away from the gossip. But there wasn’t much to tell. We had one date, then we both went our separate ways. We’ve been talking on the phone and texting, but… I just don’t know where I want things to go from here.” I expected her to look bored, but her eyes never wandered from my face. She cocked her head a little as she listened.
“Well,” she started, flipping her head a bit to keep the blond ringlets out of her eyes, “how much do you think about him? Like, your average day. Give me a percent.”
“I don’t know… sixty, maybe? Seventy?”
“Well honey, I think about Jay all the time. When we were first hittin’ it off, I want to say he was on my mind every minute of every day. And he was touring, signing, and jetting off to Paris every other week. Thinking was all I got from him back then.”
I could feel my regret increasing. She could never keep the conversation from wandering toward her perfect family. I couldn’t blame her. I could see the waitress bringing over our food on the edge of my vision. Bey must have texted our orders to one of her entourage. I couldn’t quite picture the look on the chef’s face when a six-foot-five, two hundred pound black man handed him a small white slip of paper with the words “salad and side of carrots” scrawled on it. 

The waitress put down the salads and hurried away. Beyoncé smiled and picked up her fork. Before I could touch my carrots, the waitress returned with two glasses of champagne, then quickly flitted away again. I sighed.
“Do you think I should see him again?” My voice was low. I could feel another grimace coming, and I tried to stifle it down by shoving a few carrots into my mouth. I watched Bey eat her salad. She may have been the only person in the world who looked like a movie star while chewing arugula. I swallowed loudly.
“Look, honey. I think if you find love, you hold onto it. And if you think this boy is worth your time, you give him a little and see where it takes you. Live your life!” She let out a dazzling laugh, showing her miraculously perfect teeth without any bits of lettuce. I glanced around, and as I expected, the people at the tables around us were trying their best not to stare. I muttered something about going to a dive bar next time.
She glanced down at her gold watch, probably a present from Jay. “I’m so sorry – I have to get going. I have to hit up the recording studio for a few hours before the party tonight. Are you coming?”
I could see her assistant up at the front paying our bill. “Uhm, is that the one at the top of the Rockefeller?” I could hear my stomach grumbling. Hopefully the Tasty Burger around the corner was open by now.
“Yes! You have to come. It’ll be wonderful. And maybe Vladimir will be there!” She smiled knowingly, grabbing her purse and then leaning in towards me. “Maybe you two can rekindle what you found on that boat…” She winked again, and I frowned at her salad. She had barely touched it.
“As long as there are no boats around, I’ll consider it.” I had learned much earlier on that it was better not to argue with Bey. She kissed me on the cheek twice and flitted to the door with a quick “Au revoir!” before disappearing onto the street. I flopped down in my seat. After a minute of staring at the remnants of my honey-liquor flambéed carrots, I grabbed my bag and hurried out of the restaurant, heading towards the burger joint on the corner.

Many thanks to Elle West for the wonderfully written story!

A.D. (After Death)

I sat up in my hospital bed as the new visitor entered.  I could tell right away that he was different from the usual bevy of nurses, relatives, doctors, and interns who made their way through my room.  For one thing, I suspected that most people weren’t allowed to bring a seven-foot scythe through an emergency ward.

“That’s not especially subtle,” I remarked, gesturing at the bladed instrument as the figure closed the door behind him.  I noted that I was no longer faint of breath, and reached up to remove the oxygen mask.  Of course, I had left it behind when I parted ways with my body.

Death looked up at his scythe.  “It doesn’t get much use,” he said in a thoughtful tone.  “Sign of the office, though.  Have to have it.”

“You can’t complain?  Maybe get a pocket model?” I suggested.

The dark figure cocked his head at me.  “One downside to being a celestial force is that there isn’t much of a command structure,” he said.  “I’ve basically got the rules to stick to, and nobody’s around to argue with.”

I nodded, but my thoughts returned to more pressing matters.  “So, I’m dead,” I commented.

“Yep.”

“What’s next?”  I asked.  “Heaven?  Hell?  Reabsorbed into the bright light at the end of the tunnel?  Do I wander the earth for the rest of time as a ghost?  Is Jesus waiting outside for you to finish up in here?”  I honestly wasn’t sure if I was joking or not.

Death simply shrugged at me.  “Up to you, really,” he said.  “What do you think should happen?”

It was up to me?  I felt slightly cheated, as though I was finding out that the whole afterlife was a scam.  “Well, maybe I should get a palace in the skies with my 72 virgins,” I retorted.  “I don’t know!  I thought I wasn’t supposed to worry about this stuff, focus on living!”

Before answering, Death carefully leaned the scythe against the wall, settling into the visitor’s chair in the suite with a sigh.  “Look, the main goal is to be happy,” he began, his fingers coming together in a steeple.  “Think of it like this.  Before you died, most of your energy was spent keeping your body in check.  It had to do what you asked of it, not talk back, obey commands – that’s a lot of work.  That takes constant focus to manage so many different tasks and keep them in sync.”

“I wasn’t doing so well at it towards the end, though,” I remarked sardonically.  I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to use sarcasm on Death, but I just couldn’t hold back the words.

Death didn’t seem perturbed by my outburst.  “It’s always hard,” he said simply.  “But now, you’re free from all of that, and you now have no outlet for your complete and total focus.  When you were alive, you used your focus to control your body around you, to keep it how you wanted.  But now, you can apply that focus to your surroundings.  You can make your existence however you want.”

I paused to contemplate this.  “So, if I wanted to be surrounded by all my loved ones . . .” I began.

“Then you can make it so,” he said simply.

I thought some more.  “So once I make a decision, am I stuck with it forever?”

“If you eat cereal for breakfast each morning, and one day you want pancakes, are you forbidden from consuming them?” he retorted.

“I suppose not,” I replied.  “So I’m really this free?  I can do whatever I want?  Am I going to be bumping into all sorts of other ghosts?”

Death sighed slightly, raising his eyes to transfix me in his gaze.  “Once again, only if you want to,” he said.  “Some people seek out companionship.  Some need adversity, challenges to overcome.  Some want nothing but to relax.  Whatever it is, you can have it now.”

“Okay, but,” I protested.  “Let’s say that I want to have a talk with Albert Einstein.  I’m sure that some other dead person wants to do so, too!  Who gets Einstein?  Or are we both there with him?  And what if he doesn’t want to talk with either of us?”

The man waved his hand in response.  “If you want to talk to Einstein, you will speak to him,” he said.  “If somebody else wants to, they will speak with him, too.  And Einstein will do whatever he wants, which right now is to explore the Andromeda galaxy.  All of this can happen at the same time.  Your Einstein is Einstein, same as the other person’s, same as the one currently in deep space.”

The implications were staggering, almost beyond my grasp.  I sat back slightly onto the bed.  A nurse had stepped into the room, and was currently shouting for a crash cart in the hallway, but she was beneath my notice now.  “How long do I have to decide?” I asked.

Death rose to his feet, picking up his staff of office.  He slid the window open, gazing outside.  “As long as you want,” he replied, over his shoulder.

“And can I ask you if I have more questions?”

At this, Death paused.  “I’m sure you will figure it out,” he said finally, and leapt from the window.

I ran to look outside, but of course he had vanished.  I tried willing him back, but nothing happened.  So instead, I leaned back, thinking light thoughts, watching as I rose up through the ceiling to settle on the roof.  The sun felt warm against my skin; the hospital gown was replaced by a comfortable shirt and jeans.  I gazed out across the rooftops, watching the possibilities unfold.

Havana Club

Despite the old and tired air conditioner noisily straining away in the corner, the interior of the bar was barely cooler than outside. Despite this, Patterson still breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped through the double doors. Just escaping the blazing sun was heaven enough.

Reaching up to remove his wide-brimmed woven hat from his head, he stood in the doorway for several seconds while his eyes adjusted to the relative gloom. The long counter ran the length of the bar across from him, populated by several rusting bar stools. Across from the counter, the booths were mostly empty. Only a few hardened day drinkers sat on the stained, cracked leather as they nursed their poisons.

Patterson glanced at the windows as he took a seat at the counter, carefully selecting a seat where he could see both the door and rear entrance. He could see the palm fronds flopping loosely in the breeze outside through the dirt and grime that caked the glass panes. Turning back to the bar, he rested one hand on the scarred wood, drumming his fingertips.

A few seconds later, a short, dark-haired man emerged from the back of the bar. “¿Sí, señor?” he asked.

“Un café, por favor,” Patterson responded, fishing a few bits of change out to clink on the uneven shellacked wood. The man nodded and bustled off, presumably to find a clean cup.  Patterson turned back to the entrance, waiting patiently.

For several minutes he listened to the seagulls outside. A soft chinking of porcelain announced the arrival of his coffee. “Gracias,” he said without turning around. The coins were quietly removed from the counter as the man scurried off, probably back to his siesta.

Patterson continued to sit and wait. He took a sip of coffee, grimaced, put the cup back down and pushed the saucer away slightly. Finally, he heard a soft tread from outside. He straightened up on his seat, one hand slipping inside his jacket to rest lightly on the butt of a .44 revolver. He wasn’t expecting trouble, but fortune always favors the prepared.

The double doors opened, and a portly man stumped in, huffing noisily through his neatly trimmed salt-and-pepper beard. When he saw Patterson at the counter, he let out a snort of recognition.

“Ah, Frank, good to see you again,” the man said as he settled heavily onto a stool, which creaked in protest.  He glanced over at the cup near Patterson’s elbow.  “How’s the coffee here?”


“Swill,” Patterson replied.  “Do you have what I asked for?”

The stout man rolled his eyes.  “Never with the small talk,” he said theatrically.  “Yeah, I got it right here.”  He reached back behind his back, under the loose, oversized button-up shirt, and Patterson once again tensed in anticipation of an attack.  The other man withdrew a thick manilla envelope, slightly damp from perspiration.  He slid it across the counter of the bar.

Patterson picked up the envelope.  He knew that the heft of the package was right, and he wasn’t going to insult his business partner by opening it at the bar.  “Thank you,” he said stiffly.  He shifted slightly in his seat, indicating that the conversation was over.

The other man shrugged amicably enough.  “Nice doing business with you,” he replied, and slid heavily off the stool.  

Patterson watched him leave.  As the other man left through the main doors of the bar, a wave of hot, humid, muggy air washed over him, pouring in from outside.  Patterson slid the envelope into the inside pocket of his seersucker jacket, patting it once or twice to ensure that it was snug and secure.  

He took a few last breaths of blessedly cool, dry air before picking up his hat off the bar.  Squaring the brim in front of his forehead, he made his way back outside, into the Havana sun.